JOY

I was named after my daddy, but I didn’t like my name. My daddy drank a lot when I was young and was abusive and sometimes became violent. Because of the things that he did, I grew up with feelings of anger, fear, hate, bitterness, hurt, worthlessness, mistrust, and shame. As I grew up I wanted to change my name, because my name reminded me of my daddy. Often I would think of names that I thought I would like better, but I never found a name that I liked.

In 1988, God led me to someone who talked with me about forgiveness. He asked me if I had forgiven my father, and if I knew what forgiveness was. I told him that I didn't know if I had forgiven him and that I wasn't sure what forgiveness really was. To help me understand about forgiveness, he told me of a book that he thought I should read. In the book I read that when you forgive someone you are to release that person of any hold that their actions may have had on your life. I took every word of that book into my life as if it were food, and as if I hadn't eaten in weeks. I was so hungry to learn about forgiveness if that was what it took to get rid of the hurt that I had in my heart.

After learning about forgiveness, I would pray when I remembered something that my daddy did that hurt me. I prayed many, many times every day asking God to help me forgive my daddy with the kind of forgiveness with which God had forgiven me. I asked God to give me His strength and His power to forgive my daddy, because I knew I couldn’t forgive him on my own. I released my daddy of any hold that his actions may have had on my life. Whenever I prayed it seemed as if some of the bitterness, hate, anger, fear, resentment, mistrust, and shame would leave, and I began to feel a peace inside.

After reading the book, I talked with the person who introduced me to forgiveness. Before we even said hello or that person had time to sit down I excitedly said over and over to him, “I’ve got to tell you something!” I was so excited. When he sat down, this is what I told him. “I was named after my daddy. I didn’t like my name, because it associated me with my daddy. I wanted to change my name, but I didn’t know what to change it to so I never did change my name. Recently I have found a name that I like. If I ever change my name it is possible that I would change my name to Joy, because my life is like a blanket. This was a blanket of fear, hate, bitterness, resentment, anger, guilt, worthlessness, and mistrust. Joy has been lying underneath the darkness of that blanket all those years. When I forgave my daddy, some of the fear was removed. As some of the fear was removed, some of the blanket was pulled back. As some of the hate was removed, some of the blanket was pulled back. As some of the bitterness was removed, some of the blanket was pulled back. As more and more of the fear, hate, anger, bitterness, and other bad feelings that I had in my life were removed more and more of the blanket was pulled back until enough of that blanket was removed so that joy could come out from underneath the darkness of that blanket and into the sunshine and begin to grow and bloom like a flower. If I ever change my name, it is possible that I would change my name to Joy, because God has taken the hurt, hate, fear, anger, and bitterness out of my life and has replaced them with peace, love, happiness, hope, and Joy”.

Thank you Jesus for the JOY you have brought to my life.

Glenda Marsh